ok. the fears and doubts of sec 1 days are back. at last. i thought my luck goes on forever.


with the tiff with frank i thought i could jus move on and ignore it. but the latest chat with xx just made me think.


post p 6 graduation, moving school to a whole new area meant making friends all over again. and all the buddies for years were gone within like...3 mths. the fear and self doubt was mad. and then a whole streak of about 8 years since sec 1 till now, i have been so awfully blessed with friends and lucky enough to avoid quarrels or even tiffs with them. despite my impossible ego, poisonous tongue, picky taste and wilful demands. i have to say i have no idea why my close circle of friends have stayed with me all these years with no mishaps. just the little arguments here and there.


and with the tiff with frank. and thoughts of deleting contact and blocking, the first sign of my lucky streak coming to a halt appears. i was thinking, oh whatever, i can just move on and ignore this. i have enough of other friends. and then xx talks to me tonight. and i'm all vulnerable to all the self doubt once again. the aura of invincibility, knowing i'm safe regardless of my actions when with friends, is gone.


the fact is that both frank and xx are v close friends. he's like the closest few this 2 years and she's been so close since sec 3. and the thought of just removing any of them from my life is enough to make me moody for like weeks. if both were out of my life it will be real bad. how bad i don't know. so maybe i need to reflect on my own actions, way of thinking, and my character. maybe i'm really so fucked up. ok, i am. amazingly, in both cases i think i'm fucked up in really different ways. so both models of treating friends are fucked up. ok, with uni starting i can just make new friends, keep the remaining old ones and live happily after. it's only two friends right. but wtf. for now i'm fucking overwhelmed with self doubt and fear.


i refuse to be a loser but right now i am.