in the midst of feeling really really miserable halfway through my deployment shift on fri, i ad an enlightening article. it laments the present mood of tragic that lingers in the air for so many people. especially people of our generation. the generation that our elders wish us to think are'the privelaged group'. but that very same gen is the one that dwells in absolutely sadness for big parts of their life and use alcohol and other instant gratification to exit from the whirpool. i was thinking, man that sounds like me!


being constantly afraid. to have two personas. one for work and social life. the other for my own inner soul. other than in front of the closest, barely is the true side seen. usually it's the cocky motor mouth that is at the front of the shop. but that's a lie. so to those who say blogs are narcisstic, you bet. it's meant for one to vent his own emotions, so of course. yep.


looking at my playlist, gosh, it's dark and sad. other than taste for music, i think it's a reflection of your innermost. the question then: is it possible to merge your inner self with the self you present to others? to be happy and confident but inside...


for whatever reasons we all have,i think the ultimate root, like the article said, it's loneliness. not literally. man, i have enough friends and company. i am so grateful for all of it. but loneliness is a state of mind. when you have untold secrets, you feel lonely. when you have shameful fears, you feel lonely. when you have unrevealed loves, you feel lonely. unfullfilled dreams, you feel lonely. and the author answers me: when you are alone, do not feel lonely. it's two cmpletely different entireties. and that answered my 'if's.


unexpected calls, and messages from friends remind me i'm not alone. never. now it's time to remind myself, to not be lonely. for whatever reasons.


whatever. i am satisfied.